Develop a Fearless conscious contact with yourself.

Developing a fearless conscious contact with yourself gives you a small start in seeing deep inside and understanding the reality of our loss. Not what you think could have been your fault or the fault of others. It is in sense a chance to set yourself free from the deep pain you can feel.

Fear is one of the basic emotions that we have all experienced. It can range from anxiety to “I have to get out of here” or the reverse “I can’t move”. So fearless doesn’t mean that the danger is doesn’t exist, but we may become oblivious to it, or we are in some way resolved in facing them. If we are to gain a connection with ourselves, we have to try and find that fearless part of us.

Strange how much of the worlds advertising is based upon being fearless of the consequences. Apparently this is a quality we aim for. Yet still our basic human instinct is to shy away from a place of fear. So is being fearless a matter of sheer abandon? What ever it is, we will need to dig deep to see who we are and not to practice the art of deception or denial. Perhaps fearless is knowing what we face, but knowing we need to move forward to a greater good.

For many women who have experienced a miscarriage, we don’t always want the whole world seeing us falling apart. So, we practice form of deception. We hide what is real and show only a part of ourselves. This is truly just a form of self defence. We are protecting the most vulnerable, a place which feels incredibly raw. This is completely acceptable, but long term it can damage us. If you are having recurrent miscarriages, the damage is just magnified.

If we are all able to find that calm place and start to look our fear in the eyes, then we can proceed in small steps. We find out how wonderfully strong we really are. Our endurance is far beyond what we think possible. Pregnancy seems to bring out the most protective part of us. We all have visions of mama bear protecting her cubs. This level of protection is seen in many species. For some of us that instinct doesn’t happen until we actually give birth or some time after. However it is so consuming when the pregnancy is threatened. This instinct can be difficult to deny. One way of looking at this is a form of unconditional courage.

We all come into contact with people, places and things every day, from our family, co-workers, the radio, TV and strangers. The world now supplies us with so many methods of remaining in contact with each other. Fifty years ago we may have had a telephone and used our close family or neighbours for contact. Today we have cell phones, texting, emails, the web, face book and twitter, giving us 24 7 access to each other. But, how often do we make a conscious contact with others, let alone ourselves.

Consciousness is defined as an understanding, realisation or perception. Contact is defined as, establish communication.

Defining Conscious Contact is simply, communicating to understand. Simple Yes? Not really.

Lots of men and women all around the world live their lives in such a way that they loose track of who they really are. We forget to check in and ask “How are you today”. In fact sometimes we don’t want to know, as the reality is too much to deal with. We are not aiming for some “Zen” like state of mind, rather a simple quiet calm.

We have lost a pregnancy and the devastation in our hearts and lives takes away much of our energy and resources. At times it feels too much to simply get through the day, so there is little left over for others, let alone ourselves.

Even prior to the miscarriage, many of us can still feel a disconnect with the world around us. Relationships, jobs and finances all take there toll on our energy. When we add a miscarriage into the mix, this hits us like a wall of water. We feel winded, bruised and wounded. Like it will not stop.

As human beings from the beginning of time, we have strived to make a connection with each other and worked even harder to make contact with ourselves. We have achieved so much that our connections have become cold and fast. Here is an opportunity to slow life down, take a breath or two and see what is really there.

We can start to feel consumed by feelings of failure. Scanning through much of the literature on miscarriage, there is little if any mention of failure. Like it’s something not to be acknowledged. The feelings of failure can be so strong that it almost feels irresistible. We find it difficult to focus back on the reality of our loss. Failure is part of what we often feel when we have lost a pregnancy and is especially prominent when we are experiencing our second or third loss. As women and even men our success in life can be affected by how much of a failure we feel. Many of these messages are implanted in our formative years. The old tapes can play in our heads during times of stress and even success.

Miscarriage brings those messages to the very front of our mind. So, we don’t just feel a failure because we have lost a pregnancy, but also we may not be where we want to be today. Having a conscious contact with yourself and a Higher Power can assist you in learning the ability of dismissing those old tapes. We start to listen to new messages, even when the old ones creep back in. Those messages can feel like the villains of our lives. They move in, take over our homes, our jobs and our relationships. They steal from us what is the truth of our lives. At its worst, this cause illness, depression and a mired of physical symptoms.

The first skill to help in finding that conscious contact is listening.

Listening is defined as `pay close attention. To hear is to, get to know or become aware of.

Two very similar words, with slightly different meanings, will greatly assist us in gaining conscious contact. We are often told to listen to our own bodies, as they let us know when something is amiss.

We hear music, speech and laughter every day, but do we truly listen to our own voices. If we do, it’s often the old tapes that we hear. You can have a choice and start to listen to your own voice. We all have a right to be heard. Women in many countries don’t have the privilege of making them selves heard, but can still hear their own voices.

If we have started to believe in a power greater than ourselves, then the voice we will hear is always supportive.

Look for that voice everywhere and remember it’s not always the loudest.

In Step one, we learned that we didn’t cause the miscarriage. In step two we look at not being able to control what happened. Step 3 offers us the chance to believe that change is possible, we do have choices and voices

Try to be patient, kind and gentle with yourself, just as your Higher Power would be. Together you can accomplish things you may never have done on your own. This is the time to get comfortable with you again.

Suggested questions and thoughts

• Am I willing to look at myself honestly, as more than a woman who has lost a child?
• How could gaining this insight benefit you and those around you?
• What do you believe and not believe today?
• In what ways am I resentful?
• Do I dread seeing family and friends with new babies?
• Am I having trouble with relationships in my life, if so, how?
• Do I open myself up to others, if no am I willing?
• How tolerant am I? Do I forgive others easily, but not myself?
• Where would you like to be in one day, one week and one month from now?
• Do you feel like a failure, if so, how?

HOW of Step 3

• Take and honest look each day at where you are what you feel.
• Take a look at what you believe or don’t believe, does this match what you see.
• Make a list of those parts of your life that you are afraid of, not the surface issues, the real fears.