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I am powerless over today and my thinking have become unmanageable. Awareness is one of our most powerful tools in accepting powerlessness. Awareness is defined as “having knowledge or perception of a situation or fact”. In the Walk With Jude Step one, awareness means starting to accept that you were powerless over your miscarriage. This is perhaps the hardest thought to manage. BUT, unfortunately this is today and this is your reality and a reality for many other women around the world. We may feel that we don’t have any choices, but we do and Step 1 gives us those choices. There is nothing we can do to even change the outcome of today. We have found ourselves being completely powerless in being able to carry a pregnancy. This creates some of the feelings found in H.A.L.T. Here are examples of what H.A.L.T. can be,
You can find words of your own, but having only one of these feelings can create the unmanageability you now feel. In remembering H.A.L.T., it can be a quick and easy way of checking in on yourself or looking at those feelings of complete powerlessness. You may feel that all of this is overwhelming, so perhaps tackling one of the emotions will benefit your day. If you feel hungry – eat, if you are lonely – talk with a friend or log into Walk With Jude forum and if you are angry – try journaling. Find a positive solution to that emotion. Don’t just eat if you are hungry, eat well. If you are tired and having difficulty sleeping, consider a naturopath or your family physician. Try taking a piece of paper and write out your H.A.L.T. words. Choose one to deal with and rate it from 1-10 (1 - not too pain and 10 – unbearable). You may find that during the time you spend doing this, you start to feel yourself again. This can be very empowering at a time of distress. Perhaps in order to help you to admit you are powerless you may feel the need to look for answers from a health care providers or an alternative medicine practitioner. Getting that information on the possible causes of miscarriage (see our "What is Miscarriage" page for information) and what you may do in the future can help you to understand, but it may never fully satisfy or answer your questions. There is only one way to satisfy that need and it is to walk towards powerlessness. If you are finding this too tough, then try for one hour or one day to move in this direction. Powerless, what does this mean? We are not in control of people, places, things and situations. Powerless is defined as “being without ability or influence”. None of us want to admit that we are powerless over anything, particularly our bodies and especially this part of our body. For many women having a child is one of the ways we define ourselves. To admit or even contemplate that you are powerless can be a huge task. Not only does this affect us physically, it permeates our thinking, our emotions and our spirit. All that Step one is asking you to do, can seem too much and can pull you back down to the depths of despair. But, this by no means small task of admitting that you are indeed powerless, will bring you some relief and comfort. Remember you are not doing this alone. Here we may consider the 3 C’s as a method of taking that step forward. Cause, Control and Cure
You didn’t Cause this In many cases there is no reason or cause found as to why the miscarriage has happened. If it has happened in later pregnancy there is often an opportunity to diagnose why it may have happened - Click here for our "What is Miscarriage" page. This will give us a perspective on the physical aspects, but it still leaves us dealing with the grief that we experience at this time. Even knowing that there could have been a reason or cause, the questions of “what if “, “what’s wrong with me” and “why did this happen to me and my family”, may still arise. We may never get these questions answered, but step one starts to give us answers to our grief. When we start to address the issue of cause, we must acknowledge any presence of guilt. Guilt is defined as remorse caused by feeling responsible for some event. As our minds search for an explanation, we often find ourselves playing the blame game. It must have been me, something I did or didn’t do. Although miscarriages happen to women of any ages, we can feel that perhaps this may be a cause. Did we wait until later in life to have a child, did we not feel so maternal, did we get pregnant to fit in to what is expected of us etc. What ever your reasons, it is likely to have nothing to do with the outcome. But, we convince ourselves that some how our thinking may have had some affect. When we miscarry we often discover just how very much we wanted this pregnancy. The terror you feel at the mere threat of loosing this child. We can completely underestimate the intensity of our connection to each and every pregnancy, however long it lasted. In Harriet Lerner’s book, “The Mother Dance”, she describes in her first chapter how it felt to look at loosing her son, she describes having children as a life long lesson in feeling out of control. Powerless doesn’t mean you have no power, it means you have less power or ability to influence or control. You know very well how that feels and yet we kick, scream, cry and isolate ourselves from the pain of our loss. To finally admit that you are powerless, in a strange way empowers you. Let go of the control, as eventually that control gives back more pain. You can’t control this You have not been able to control the miscarriage. In trying to control, even if your intentions are good, puts you in a place of forming of resentments, especially against yourself. Resentments can create anger, anger can lead to depression and depression is rage turned inwards. It is very hard not to blame yourself or others, but it is self defeating. The thoughts of “what ifs”, “should haves” and “I wish “surface. These thoughts contribute to our lack of self esteem and belief that we are okay; there must be something wrong with me. Step 2 asks us to start to believe in a power greater than ourselves, we are able to step out of ourselves. This can allow us to have a “break” from the hurt and disappointments that this loss can bring about. Using steps 1 and 2 allows us a moment of freedom and peace away from our thoughts. Fear which comes from a place of control is one of the hurdles, that holds us tightly in a place of loss and grief. Sometimes this fear and control prevents us from asking for help and then receiving it. Perhaps look towards a Higher Power and ask out loud for something you need, knowing you have an unconditional ear. Sometimes all you need to do is remind yourself that your Higher Power is there, it always has been through everything, whether you wanted it or not. You can’t cure this We are not talking here of a physical cure, this is about a change in our attitude. Yes you have lost a baby, yes you feel awful, yes you wish this had never happened and you don’t know how to go on, BUT as you didn’t cause this and you can’t control it, how can you be expected to cure this. If there is any kind of cure, it comes from within. How, you may ask, try working through Step one, here there can be some peace, along with some pain too lets be real. This is where you gain a great choice to look at yourself, your actions and reactions. Once you walk through the Walk With Jude Steps 1 -4 you have looked at your thoughts, hurt and anger and just maybe discovered that this is not your fault. You may have read about, written about and talked about your thoughts. This is the time when the steps pick you up and place you where you need to be, right here. Many of us are very competent in our daily lives, we continue and go about our days as if nothing had happened. You may feel inside like you are standing still when everything and everyone else continues around you and indeed it does. You haven’t had the time or opportunity to grieve and heal. People around you may not have known you were pregnant, let alone have had a miscarriage and then having to explain this later is unbearable. How can this happen to me? This is how our emotions can become unmanageable, as we try to control the situation and discover that we can’t. In fact anything in our lives can become unmanageable, but strangely enough, recovery gets easier once we also accept what we can control. Walk With Jude Step One is the beginning of recovery. What you discover in Step one is that you may have been powerless in preventing the miscarriage, but you are not powerless over your emotions. Your feelings are your very own. This is a step that you can come back to for anything, at any time. Suggested questions and Thoughts
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