I on the other hand have some difficulty with joy. I don't think that I feel it very often, or if I do its very fleeting. I decided today to look at joy and what makes me happy. The sad part is that I'm not sure what makes me happy. Being a single mum, trying to run 2 businesses, taking care of a house and a dog and then trying to find time for me is very tough. I don't have much chance to slip in a little joy, which is not acceptable.  However it is only too common that many women and men put their own happiness very low on the list of priorities.

why do we do this? For me its about acceptance or being accepted. Its not that I think if I was happy and joyful, that I wouldnt be accepted. more, that I want to be seen as being successful and the price I pay is not gving myself the time to be happy. Obviously and sadly me being accepted is more important than me being happy ( I cant believe that I've just admitted that). It sounds very messed up, but I have the courage to admit this, knowing that I'm not alone.

I know many people who feel the same way. I know that being a mum can allow you to be accepted in certain parts of life. Loosing preganancies put me into a group that I know feels unacceptable because they canet have a child. That's a crime and needs to change.

The first part of change is always acceptance. I have had to try and accept that I lost 4 pregancies, I have been married twice, I have behaved badly in relationships, I have no family, BUT I have a great deal in my life today. If I can accept all of this, then it gives me the chance to change and maybe even find some JOY. 

Warmest Wishes

Judith P

During my marriage I often felt very confused and lonely. Words and actions didnt match. This allowed me to second guess myself all the time. I didnt trust what I was feeling.

I also recently celebrated my birthday. I woke up mad and irritated. As the day progressed I found that my anger came from my regrets. The regrets of failing a marriage, of hurting 2 children and I felt that I just keep repeating the same patterns.

Therefore the consequence of this is that I feel sick this week. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. But, its my emotions that take the great toll. They create exhaustion, lack of apetite and the inability to take care of myself.

So, what have i learned over the past year? I have learned to listen when my body says, "enough". Previously I would push past all the warning signs. Not today. The only person who suffers when I ignore the exhaustion is me. I have found that rest is just as important as activity. Sounds simple, but for me I just didnt want to hear it.

So I'm going for a bath now!!

Warmest Wishes

Judith P

You have all seen me through the break up of my marriage, my own self doubts and a few miracles. The last 12 months have been very tough for me. I have had to make some huge choices and decisions, which today I can see were exactly where I was suppopsed to be. I was once told that, " I didnt need a man in my life". That was very true, as need has always implied to me, that control is an issue. I didn't need a man ( or one particular man ), I wanted him in my life and at times still do. Again, I can recognise that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. In some ways my life has become much clearer and certainly much happier.

My journalling has created a place for me to be able to move my obsessions, thoughts, doubts and feelings out of my head and on to paper. This has given me an oppurtunity to see it all for what it is. I can organise them, count them and even dismiss some of them.

Journalling or any kind of spiritual writing does not have have to be in a certain format. I use mostly leather bound note books and a black sharpie pen. I write to my Higher Power, myself and those around me. I have written to a person who has hurt me, therefore allowing me to say what I needed to.

I can also look back at the journals I wrote when I had my daughter and when I miscarried. I had forgotten how much pain I felt and how the stress and anxiety affected every area of my life. 

Warmest Wishes

Judith P

She said, "laugh more". This made me smile and then I told her what a revolution really is. She then laughed as she preferred revolutions to resolutions, I think I do too.

This made me think about the pressure a new year can cause and conversely the relief. 2011 was not the best year for me and frankly I was glad to have it over with. It didnt mean that I stopped feeling the emotions I had in 2011, but more it gave me the oppurtunity to start to move forward. I know each time I have lost something important to me I have to deal with those feelings. This new year allowed me to look at this and for once not avoid them.

The biggest difference was the idea of being in the moment. The problem is, that I have never really understood what that means. I'm a predictor, I like to know what going to happen next and I plan. So living right now and not thinking too much about whats going happen tomorrow has always been tough. Being in Banff allowed me to try this out. While floating in a hot  swimming pool outside the hotel, where the temperature outside the water was -16C I tried to be in the moment. Really what else could I do. I looked at the snow covered rocky mountains, the blue sky and my daughter. It was perfect.

I experienced the relief that living right now can offer and that will be my New Years Revolution!!

Warmest Wished Judith P

It isn't just the time of year, infact it usually gets worse. More that, for me I see events and people alot clearer. I can see people for who they are and how they act. Creating some distance has allowed me to see just how sick some people can be. I have come to realise that many events are not my fault, or at least not all my fault and that I dont have to take responsibilty for everything that has happened.

Life becoming clearer has allowed me to set boundaries and for once stick with with them. On christmas eve I was put in an awkward position with a person and was able to say, "no thank you". A simple phrase, but I felt that I was being polite, able to keep myself feeling safe.

Boundaries and seeing clearly, is this what makes life better?? For me I think so. These are the areas in my life that I need to work on. I was recently watching a TV show with a celebrity who had just lost a pregnancy. I sat feeling her pain and truely knowing how she felt. I could see my grief very clearly, but knew that this was just fine and that I have moved on.

Warmest Wishes

Judith P

If I look back on my own journey, I can see clearly that I didnt believe in very much until recently.

I had very little reason to have any faith that there could be any one or any thing that could help me. I think I felt this because I hadnt had any evidence to show me anything any different. I have survived a great deal and have felt very alone at my most urgent times of need. I didnt even consider asking for help from a place higher than me.

Loosing pregnancies (and marriages)  can test even the most secure faith. I have been surely tested, while loosing 4 pregnancies and 2 marriages. I did have a tendancy to view these losses as all my fault. I am alos a person who uses silence as a form of serenity, this silence includes not asking for help.

I didnt tell many people that I was loosing pregnancies as the silence protected me from being hurt. If I did discuss it, then maybe it wasnt happening. For me, the problem is that I can only go so long while trying to keep myself together. Then I break down, which is what im afriad of in the first place. Today I do have a power greater than me, that I turn to. I dont have to be silent as I can share with that belief. I also dont have to share with too many people as I have that Higher Power.

I sincerely believe that my life would not be what it is today, if I had controlled all parts of it. My imagination and emotions limit me. If I try to leave my path to my Higher Power it is unimaginable what can happen!

Warmest Wishes

Judith D

My problem is that in some ways I am very driven, I like to get things done. So, the art of letting things go, does not involve getting it done and moving on! It means relaxing and taking your time, feeling the feelings and learning from them. I work, I have a child , a dog and a house, so I don't have much time for letting go. Yet this concept would make more room in my life, so why is it so hard?

Well I also have a tiny issue with control. When I feel vulnerable, I automatically start to try and control my environment and what's happening around me. It has meant that I have been moody and stressed. This only adds to the feelings of being out of control and makes my life unmanageable. I had 3 days last week, where I didn't want to talk to any one, I felt controlled by another's game playing and knew I what I was doing, but couldn't do a dam thing about it.

Until day 4, I sat feeling exhausted, vulnerable and very alone and suddenly decided to turn to my Higher Power for help.

The conversation initially involved asking where on earth my Higher Power had been in the last few days. The answer I got was," I have been here all the time, watching you struggle and feeling your pain. I can't force you to let go of what hurts you, I just have to be here waiting". I felt a huge sense of comfort and relief.

I have written often about the idea of letting go of our issues, but when you try it, it works. As long as we continue to try and control everything around us, the more unmanageable life will become. For me my level of happiness and serenity is directly linked to my ability to try and let go.

Warmest Wishes

Judith P.

I have little anger, but lots of sadness and some regret. I'm sad that the marriage had to end and I do miss what I hoped we would of had. I do regret some the methods I used to try and fix a broken situation. I am not proud of how I behaved at times, But I have to try and move on and learn from all this. What would be the point of the last 2 years of pain and anxiety, if I dont try and learn something.

This always brings me back to Step 1 - I am powerless over a great deal and my thinking does become unmanageable.

I am powerless over, my regrets - they are in the past, the behaviour of my ex husband, the opinions of others, the anger that my daughter has etc etc. This does not mean that I dont take responsibilty for my actions. But, if I am truly powerless then I have to let this go and not allow it to let me start thinking obsessively about the past. I have started to write down each night what I have been powerless over during the day, I then look at what I could of done differently. If I did the best I could, I have to let it go.

The other method I use is to talk my thinking out with a friend. I try to chat with a trusted friend every couple of days. I ask them to listen to my insane thinking. I'm not necessarily looking for answers or opinions, just another human being. I realised that I had become very disconnected from friends and had isolated myself over the summer. I was ashamed about failing in my marriage and worst of all, that I was a bad example to my daughter. I have discovered that I am powerless over this too.

Can you let go of something today?

Warmest Wishes

Judith P

Strange how it reminded me of when I would tell people I had lost a pregnancy again. I felt ashamed and as if I was a failure. I didn't want to admit that I had not been able to do something that I thought everyone else could. How incompetant could I be. In fact, I stopped telling people that I was pregnant so I wouldn't have to admit the failure. It was a clear protection for me.

I have come to understand that we don't have to be defined by our failures. Judith isn't just a women who has lost 4 pregnancies and failed at marriage twice. I am much more than that, as long as I try to learn from these experiences. I don't want to live the rest of my life being angry and resentful because events didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I have to accept that all of this is part of my journey and my job is to survive, learn and share. I am being given great oppurtunities to find out who I really am, so why not take them.

Warmest Wishes

Judith

Mentally I know I have to accept that I have lost this marriage and move on, but I don't want to. I'm not very good at letting go and understanding that this is perhaps part of my journey. I have learnt a great deal from the last 7 years. The lessons have shown me what I am capable of, what I like and dislike and mostly how much I re-live events. It almost as if I'm trying to take the test over and over again, until I get the A+.

A friend suggested that when I have learnt the lesson move on with a C+ and start to learn the next one. It made me think very hard about how I keep retuining to the same place and not moving forward. Why do I think I need to have an A+ anyway?

This is all about self esteem, Yes I lost 4 pregnancies, but today I have a beautiful 9 year old daughter, which is more than many couples end up being able to have. So I have to try and be happy with my C+ and move on.

I don't need to have an A+ to experience all that life offers.

Warmest Wishes.

Judith