I have had a number of conversations recently regarding how women are abused in so many ways and how we get caught in the spiral of our situations.
I myself have been abused in a number of ways. As a child I experienced abuse of the worst kind and unfortunately it continued into my adult life. I have felt the effects of anger, despair and addiction. I am amazed that some how I seem to be drawn to this type of life, or is it drawn to me? Abuse of any kind distorts your thinking and leaves you unable to reason and fathom out why this is happening.
Worst of all I have experienced self abuse, I don't mean the cutting yourself kind, but the type that goes on in your head. These are the discussions I have had with other women. It seems as if there is an epidemic of mental abuse that is prevalent in many women and men too I would think. I have written before about the negative internal conversations that we have, but this is much deeper. This isn't about self pity, but clear self abuse.
I have attempted to start my day with a feeling of gratitude, only for it to dwindle into negativity. I find it so hard to hold onto the positive, when I so easily migrate to the destructive conversations of mental abuse. Why? Why do I find it comfortable to be negative with myself. I met a friend yesterday for tea and she talked about how positive and encouraging I was. She has no idea what goes on in my head. Her perception couldn't be further from the truth sometimes. I wonder on occassion, am I sick, do I have some kind of chemical imbalance or is this just my journey??
This morning I have reached the conclusion that this is just where I am right now and life moves and changes. Yes, I am drawn to the not so nice thoughts in my head, but not all the time. I do my daily readings every morning, I hug my daughter and tell her I love her, I shower and walk the dog and soon hope to have a job. All of this keeps me moving forward. The abuse often feels like an unwelcome house guest that just won't leave. I have to learn and create a habit of kicking this guest out, but I can't do it by replacing it with something or someone else. My habit of abuse , in the past has meant that I have leaped into some awful relationships, because I was trying to replace the unwanted guest. It's never worked and that is part of my abusive cycle. I can not replace this, I have to find the courage and willpower to evict this guest. My Higher Power and I can do it together.
What is your unwelcome guest?